Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

...

I have an A-maths revision test tomorrow.

...

I have to keep mum about it or my mum will kill me here and now.

...

But...

As I flip aimlessly through my Additional Mathematics textbook...

...

I realise that there's something bothering me.

...



Dear Diary,

Please forgive thee.

'Cause I am using you...

To get this bothersome load off my chest.


...


I don't want to spoil it for my juniors.


...


But I still have to get it off my chest one day.


I don't think anybody would understand.


Only I would.


...



Dear Diary,

What happened on the early evening of Monday, the thirteenth of April,


...

I don't think it changed me much.


It just brought back a little memory from the...



CHSSB AESTHETIQUE NIGHT '08.



I still remember the sky.


On that evening.


The fat clouds were tainted orange as the crimson orb hung high in the heavens;


Dear Diary,

the sky.



it was so...



nice.



I still remember...


Zhensheng, Woon Ngiap and Joel...


...


they were standing in a corner.


Of a certain balcony.




And Dong Lam was facing the three of us...





Xian Zhe, Ronald and I...




Quintus would be joining the section after the red batch leaves.




And I thought what does it matter?




But as it turned out, it did matter a lot...




My GOSH, does this matter even now...?




And then...



After Dong Lam passes out...



" Xian Zhe will be SL and Ronald will be ASL ."




And all at once,




A sickening, gut-wrenching pang sent flying into my stomach; it was like bitter medicine that made me realize; it was an evil concoction made for me to resent;




And hence, I returned to the present.



And yet again,


That noxious feeling, it was in my stomach again, it raised its insidious hands, reaching for my throat; as its cold, sinister fingers of bitter resentment wrapped themselves around my throat, the memory of the balcony, the beautiful sunset, all of it came crashing back down, crashing down upon my ears;


I felt my lips being stretched into a smile.



What on earth is wrong with me.



Why is all these coming back to me when I am studying A-maths?


Why?








Now, please...



let this feeling come off my chest...



And I can still feel it, it's upon me although I am upright, its crushing the very lungs of my emotional self, it's suffocating, it's oppressive, it's disturbing...I need...air.




Hey, it's like in that Commonwealth essay right?



Water...




Water...




Water...





Water....






Air! Air, air, air, AIR!






And yet another thought blooms in my mind, a sour, fruity lump is forming in my throat...




I feel like I just want to throw this ridiculous screwed-up life away and get it all over with.



And yet, I can't bear to part with it, I'm hanging on to it, tightly, pathetically, trying to catch my breath in the midst of choked sobs and tears...



Dear Diary,


Forgive me, but I still want to study for that A-maths test tomorrow.



And if I list ALL the things that's bothering me now,



It's gonna take me forever.




I don't feel any better.




but at least I tried...



I have to go stare at Polynomials now.



Bye.